Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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