sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Boobs speak an international language.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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