Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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