The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
