My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
