What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
