What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
vagina is talking i cant
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
