The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
