we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I wish life had little blips of pornography
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
