Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
