I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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