someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
