I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
