I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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