I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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