is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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