I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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