My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
