I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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