I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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