god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
