Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
