So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
