I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
