No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
