i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
