Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize
