You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
