so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
