So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
