you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
