When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
