Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
honey bunches of taint.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
