the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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