I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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