GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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