And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
