At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Found your dick twin last night
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
