I heard we made out
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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