Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
