Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
