Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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