my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
