So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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