JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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