Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
