Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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