What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
