So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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