Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
